After the War
by geekfreakshinobi
Summary: Sakura has decided that she has had enough with the boys. A story of what should have happened to team seven in chapter 699.


Author's Note: If you want a serious story, you sure as hell wouldn't want this.

* * *

Sakura and Kakashi looked down sadly at their teammates; bloody and battered on the ground, each with only a single arm. Naruto and Sasuke were barely conscious, looking hopefully towards Sakura to mend their broken bodies.

"Sakura-chan."

"Sakura."

"Shh. I need to heal you two, be quiet." Sakura said as she bent down between them and tapped their foreheads with a single finger. The two boys immediately went to sleep.

Five minutes later, Kakashi asked uncomfortably. "Sakura, what are you doing?"

"Can't you see? I'm in middle of a surgical procedure!"

"I know…but what are you doing down there?"

"I need to concentrate so be quiet, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura reprimanded.

Three minutes later, Kakashi spoke again. "Sakura."

"What!?" Her voice full of annoyance.

"I-I think I'm going to throw up."

"Stop being a pussy and hold this organ."

"Oh hell no. That's just disgusting. I can't take it anymore!" Kakashi ran towards the bushes to throw up the ration bar he ate that morning.

* * *

Three days later...

When Naruto gained his consciousness, he could see the sun low on the horizon, giving the sky a shade of red, pink, and orange. He surmised it was in the evening. He slowly raised his back and stretched his one arm, only to find some awkward feeling around his chest.

He looked down at his chest and screamed. Naruto now had two large breasts. Denying the unthinkable, he immediately directed his hand between his legs to find nothing. Well there was _something_, but not what he expected.

"What is it Naruto?" Sasuke's voice was groggy and tired. There was some shuffling noise as he was having trouble sitting up with only one arm.

Naruto looked at his companion and yelled in surprise, "Where did your hair go!?"

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke replied irritatingly at the blond's loud volume and directed his hand to his hair...which wasn't there.

"What is this! Why am I bald? Did you do something!?" Sasuke snapped at Naruto, then narrowed his eyes. "Why...do you have breasts?"

"I don't know!" Naruto wailed. "When I woke up, I was a girl! This is terrible! What kind of an enemy would do this?"

"Who the fuck would give a transsexual operation to an unconscious enemy?" Sasuke muttered.

Then Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, their eyes widened as realization flooded their faces. They both exclaimed at once. "Orochimaru!"

"But why?" Sasuke wondered.

"I have a theory." Naruto held up one finger. "He wants the Kyuubi. The seals are at its weakest when the jinchuuriki gets pregnant. He needs me to get pregnant."

"Coming from Orochimaru, that makes sense." Sasuke nodded.

* * *

A month later...

"Sakura, don't you think making Sasuke hairless and changing Naruto's gender was a bit too much?" Kakashi asked. He was seated behind the Hokage desk as the Sixth Hokage. He accepted the position reluctantly, the only solace being that Naruto would take over soon enough.

"They deserve it."

"I could understand Sasuke, but how would Naruto be deserving it?" Kakashi asked. The memory of Sakura forcing him to hold Naruto's genitalia during surgery was still a trauma he hadn't recovered.

"He's always telling me to go back to the kitchen and make sandwiches but conveniently comes back only when he needs fixture. He deserves to know what it feels like to be a girl." Sakura spat.

* * *

"Orochimaru!" Sasuke kicked off the door to the snake sannin's lair.

Orochimaru was sipping tea while reading a medical journal at his desk. He looked up at Naruto and Sasuke's face in amusement, and then with confusion.

"I thought I heard Sasuke-kun's voice. Who are you?"

"I _am_ Sasuke." Sasuke said angrily. Then pointed to the girl next to him. "And this is Naruto!"

"You're Sasuke-kun? And that girl is Naruto-kun…chan?" Orochimaru asked incredulously.

"You were the dastardly bastard who shaved my hair!" Sasuke raged.

"And you made me into a girl!" Naruto lashed out.

Orochimaru looked behind to check if there was someone else in the room they were talking to. There was only a wall. He was befuddled. "I...don't think I quite follow you."

"There's no need. We came for vengeance." Sasuke said.

"But I didn't do anything!" Orochimaru cried. Then added, "This time!"

"Do you think we believe you after all the heinous crimes you've committed?"

Well, after all the heinous crimes he's committed, he sure as hell didn't think he'd be killed for a crime he didn't commit.

The combined force of Sasuke and Naruto was too much for the snake sannin.

Orochimaru was no more.

And Yamato never received an order to dedicate his life to spy on his tormentor.

* * *

Two months later...

"Hokage-sama!" Shikamaru barged in the office.

"Hm?" Kakashi swiveled his chair to turn towards his assistant.

"They're back!" His breathing was heavy.

"Who?"

"Sasuke! He returned to the village with some blonde girl! He's probably here for Sakura! For revenge!"

Kakashi swiftly got out of his chair and headed towards the village gates. Shikamaru hot on his heels.

When Kakashi found Sasuke at the training grounds near the gates, he immediately attacked with Raiton: Shiden. This time he was going to save his student.

* * *

Shikamaru was hunched over, his eyes closed, fingertips of both hands touching each other, in his typical strategizing pose.

Kakashi was feeling exhausted because not only did he fight Sasuke, but he had to redirect the Uchiha's attacks from reaching Shikamaru, who seemed to stay at the exact same spot for the last five minutes with no intention to dodge or move to a safer place.

Then Shikamaru opened his eyes and muttered, "check mate".

"So, what's the plan?"

"If he's got quality, we should counterattack with quantity."

Kakashi wasn't sure he heard right. "Meaning?"

Shikamaru sighed tiredly. "If he uses one suiton, you should use two."

There was a moment of silence.

"That's all?" Kakashi asked disbelievingly.

"What? You need more explanation?" Shikamaru was looking at Kakashi, like he was a troublesome academy student.

Kakashi glared at him. "I was fighting tooth and nail against Sasuke AND protecting you for five full minutes, while making it barely alive. That's the only plan you could think of?"

Then suddenly Chouji appeared flying out of nowhere and yelled, "you can steal the last of my potato chips, you can mock me, but I won't allow you to insult my best friend!" and punched Kakashi in the face.

Kakashi's body crashed into a tree from Choji's punch, then he fell face first to the ground.

"Chouji! You're punching the wrong person at the wrong time and at the wrong situation!" Shikamaru yelped. Then he pointed towards Sasuke. "Punch him!"

"Both of you." Kakashi's voice was low with his face planted on the ground. "Get. Out."

Despite his strong belief that "a shinobi should never abandon their teammates", he was glad that Shikamaru and Choji scrambled away from the area swiftly, without offering any assistance in fighting Sasuke, or lending a hand to get him on his feet. He was better off alone.

* * *

"What the hell is going on?" Naruto asked looking at Kakashi's figure on the ground. In the few minutes he went to buy water, Sasuke was already starting a fight. The bastard just couldn't stay still.

"I don't know! He suddenly attacked me!" Sasuke replied.

"You're not here for revenge?" Kakashi asked surprised. He looked towards Naruto and saw that the blond was a lot more girly than the last time he saw him-her.

"Why would we come here for revenge?"

"You're hairless and Naruto's a girl right?"

"So?"

"...I never thought of it that way."

* * *

Sakura was enjoying her afternoon nap when she was suddenly forced to wake up from the loud banging on her apartment door. The kunoichi muttered curse words as she opened the door with force. She saw Shikamaru and Choji panting and breathing hard.

"Are you alright?" She asked with concern.

"Sakura! Sasuke has returned to the village! He's currently at the training grounds near the village gates. You've got to save Kakashi! He's going to die!"

Sakura was gone before Shikamaru realized. She had to save her teacher!

* * *

"Shannnaroooooooooooooo!"

Sasuke and Naruto jumped away as Sakura's fist connected to the ground they were standing on.

The only person affected by her attack was Kakashi who was too tired to move away from the flying rocks in time. He was too tired to even complain as he was lying face down on the ground again. He was just going to pretend that he was unconscious now.

"What are you doing!?" Naruto shouted.

"You came here to kill Kakashi right!? I'm not going to let anyone hurt him!" Sakura answered with strong determination in her eyes as she looked towards Sasuke.

_You and Chouji are the only ones who has given me damage so far!_ Kakashi thought bitterly.

"What the hell is wrong with you Sakura!?" Sasuke exclaimed. "We just want to come back home!"

Sakura halted her movements. "Huh? Aren't you here for vengeance?"

"Why does everyone think I'm a revenge obsessed murderer!" Sasuke spat.

"You're not?" Naruto asked in wonder. He didn't think Sasuke had a personality other than "revenge obsessed murderer". Maybe Sasuke would not have any personality and become a very boring person from now on.

Sasuke ignored him. "After we had our revenge on Orochimaru-"

"Wait." Sakura interrupted him. "You had revenge on Orochimaru?"

"Guess what Sakura-chan!" Naruto spoke. "I'm a girl now! And it's all Orochimaru's fault!"

"I don't think I understand." Sakura replied.

_Whoa?_ Kakashi thought.

"I know it's a difficult pill to swallow." Sasuke sympathized. "But Orochimaru wanted to get his hands on Kyuubi. The most easiest way to release the Kyuubi is when the jinchuuriki is giving birth. So Orochimaru made Naruto into a girl is the only plausible explanation."

_That is the most stupid explanation! _Kakashi and Sakura thought at the same time.

"We killed him because he deserved it." Sasuke declared.

Sakura was grateful for Orochimaru's loathsome history.

"But I'm thankful he healed our arms." Naruto said. "And I actually like being a girl."

Sakura cleverly refrained from mentioning that she was the one who healed their arms. She just asked, "Why?"

"Cause I get more attention! As an ex-guy I know what to do to get a guy's attention. And it feels good when every guy I meet fall for my charms! Attention is what I've always wanted! I can give you some tips if you'd like?" Naruto suggested arrogantly.

It took all of Sakura's self control to not punch him.

"I didn't like it when I was bald," Sasuke started. "But now that my hair has grown and I have short hair, I think it suits me better."

As infuriating as it was, Sakura had to agree with Sasuke. The bastard managed to look even more gorgeous and manly with Obito-like hair.

Naruto pulled Sakura and Sasuke for a group hug. Then he said, "We missed you Sakura-chan! Now that we're back, we will always be together! Right Sasuke?"

"Hm."

"I am just so happy." Sakura replied with tears on her face. The tears were from despair but nobody knew.

"And now that I'm enjoying my life, I don't want to be a Hokage anymore! Kakashi can stay Hokage until he's 70 or something!"

Now it was Kakashi who was crying tears of anguish. But nobody noticed.

* * *

Like it? Please Review ;D

Edit: I have just received a review, "kill yourself, virgin fag". I am so so happy! I've been waiting for this review since I started fanfiction! I was jealous of all the great writers who received this review while I didn't. I'm very much honored. My confidence has sky rocketed and my creative mind has become productive! Whoever you are, thank you so much for acknowledging me! I hope you have a great day today. With lots of love!


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